Thee be unholy things here
by Ginanubismon
Summary: NERVE Commander Gendo Ikari is the punchline of a very cruel cosmic joke to end all cruel cosmic jokes, then gets a little payback in the end.


There was not many things that would surprise Commander Ikari, a cold man known through NERV as a stone-hearted creature possibly from the deepest part of hell with no sense of humor. When the incident had happened he originally thought it was a joke, a cruel and sick joke.

He was not laughing even though many of the people that surround him were enjoying his torment, this situation did not suit the high commander of the last line of defence for humanity. This sort of pain was the kind meant for the third child, his son Shinji Ikari. Laying in the hospital bed bandaged up after the incident he could hear many of them smirking, he was mentally preparing a list of things to do when he returns to his position. Very horrible things.

How he had gotten in this situation was the incident itself, the cruel joke that he had not found funny. It all began yesterday, during the rare moments he was at his personal living space near the Geo-front. A modest two story home with eighteen rooms and six bathrooms, nothing fancy. He was in the kitchen.

The day was all planned out, as all of his activities in and out of his work. First he had dressed in his casual attire which consisted of his uniform without any NERV insignias, go into the kitchen where he prepare a small lunch then precede to the den to watch a special program. Everything was all ready and set up precisely, everything he had thought he had accounted for factored in. He was in his kitchen, all ready and prepared to go.

The first item of his agenda was to prepare some food, which in his mind would have been pop corn. Simply retrieving the Speshack pop-matic from the cupboards he laid it on the counter before getting the bag of pop corn, he hated the microwavable type as it had no favor and came out to stale for his taste. Taking careful measures in his trusted measuring cup the commander precede to empty the perfect amount of unpopped corneals into the air popper, it would take a few moments but he had pre-planned it all in advance. Waiting patiently at the small kitchen table watching in his trademark matter the pop corn had finished, time to add the butter.

The butter pack, a silvery packet that he kept in his fridge like all other things for freshness, was all ready for him to open. It was a simple type that one should tear open and spread, Commander Ikari had picked it up and tug at the corner. The packet had not tear, in fact it was seemed to be diehard on staying unopened.

Unfazed and not willing to let this set back to hurt his plan he had opened the drawer where he usually kept many important utensils and other items. His hand moved aside several things such as Ice cream scoops, potato peelers and corn cob holders but he had not found any scissors. A bit agitated he opened another drawer filled with utensils, there was napkins, spoons, knives, forks and even spoorks. Stopping for a moment he considered the importance of the spoork and who was it first that thought it was tedious to keep changing from fork to spoon mid-meal but shove that aside, he picked up a knife.

He had held up the butter pack carefully while the knife was pressed against the top and slowly pulled back and forth and to his amazement and anger as the internal seal of the packet was exposed but stretching and bending to the knife's movement. Setting the knife aside as he pulled and tugging at the packet only making the seal stretch until he, in an undignified manner, used his teeth to pull off the top completely. Successful of getting the butter pack open he gone back to the air popper, as he turn and lifted up the lid a cloud of steam had rose up and collided with his face causing him eminence pain.

Alternating between curses and screaming in a quip of rage he was going to throw the air popper across the kitchen for upsetting his plans but did not realize that the handles were extremely hot and had burned his hands.

Several minutes were spent on medicating himself and bandaging his hands. This episode was not a complete lose as it was half an hour until his program, sitting down with his bowl of hard earn pop corn he turned on the television. Unfortunately the satellite network had informed him that the satellite receiver had lost the signal.

Retorting in his mind that god is a bitch he gone outside to the garage where his expensive 1977 Ford Ranchero was sitting he stopped for a moment to wonder what it was, car or truck. Or maybe it was Caruck.

Shoving the useless thoughts aside he retrieve the ladder then preceded to one side of the house. The satellite dish was on the other side of the house but he needed a clear view into his den where his television sat so he did not waste time and energy constantly running up and down the ladder and going into the house just to check the signal strength.

Agonizing as he climbed up with burnt hands he made it to the roof, the dish was a little off kilter and he saw why. There was a large bird nest sitting right on the end of the receiver. Commander Ikari had just simply picked up the dried pile of twigs and leaves without taking notice if there were eggs or not before tossing it aside.

It took about three tries and climbing down the ladder to see if he got the signal before he almost had it. One more adjustment he would have it, climbing back on the roof to move the satellite when something cast a deep and dark shadow over most of the roof. Curious he looked up to get a shock of a life time as some a plane was diving right at him at full speed, a B-52 in fact. As the NERV commander was rushing to get to the ladder he had realized that B-52 bombers did not have beaks. Looking up again he saw one really angry bird crash into him, sending him over the edge of the roof and crashing to the hard ground. The bird, somehow had lost where he had gone, was circling about the house.

Assured that something had been broken from his fall Commander Ikari had put the theory to test and caused several body in his body and laid there hoping that someone would come looking for him sooner or later.

Moving his head to one side he noticed a bright color in the window of his kitchen. It was yellowish orange, and it danced around quite sporadically before Commander Ikari realized what it was. He had forgotten to turn off the air popper, and it had caused a fire.

As his house became a roaring blaze and the sirens coming closer he had decided that god was a bitch queen of Savanna. And that he-she has one of the sickest senses of humor ever.

Now he lays in an upper body cast. Many of the NERV staff were coming around as an obligation then respect, the last few that he expected to show was the pilots and captain Misato. The door to the private room opened, the second child had came in dressed in her EVA suit. "Hello, Commander Ikari." she said while bowing which caused some suspicion in the older man. "I heard about what happened from the others," the German girl stifled a few giggles while walking over to an open chair next to the bed.

"Why are you dressed like that?" Commander Ikari was curious as he glanced out of the corner of his eye at the shapely young girl.

"An angel attacked a while ago and the doll was injured while the idiot gotten himself buried under a few buildings. I was forced to come along, they told me you were here." she spoke with an annoyance in her tone, looking down at the NERV commander she had noticed that even in a state of helplessness the man carries a certain amount of command, a will that appears to be steel strong even when his body is more bandages then Boris Karloff. The pilot dismissed the thoughts quickly as the man was old enough to be a father, well he is a "father" but the boy was a quivering mass of gel. She like older men, and that beard is quite rugate. "You know sir..."

Shinji had finally arrive with Captain Misato in tow, he did not want to do this but it was more of obligation of being his son and what not. They stopped by the gift shop quickly to pick up a box of chocolates for Rei and it was two for one, they had an extra box and rather let it go to waste.

"I hope the bastard has suffered," Shinji muttered. "It still will not amount to the things he had done to me." with a deep sigh the young pilot he had walked into the private room, Misato was going to follow suit but the sudden and blood chilling scream made her froze on the spot. Shinji burst back out, paler then usual and eyes wide in fear.

"Shinji-kun?" The captain spoke worried of the young man. She look at the door and was about to walk in but Shinji grasp her upper arm in a surprising feat of strength.

"Do.. Do not go in there." Shinji urk out.

"What? Why?"

"There be unholy things here."


End file.
